The Deep State’s New Internship Program: Join The Cabal Academy Now!
By Yang Burzhome Thorne, Political Satire Columnist
Do you feel a vague, gnawing sense of unease about global affairs, but lack the specific, monetizable skills to capitalize on it? Have you ever stared at a chemtrail-streaked sky and thought, “There’s a fortune in misinformation here, if only I knew how to leverage it”? Does your search history read like a paranoid fan-fiction, but your bank account looks like a government audit?
Friends, your intuition is correct. The system is rigged—but not in the way you think. It’s rigged to keep you on the outside, screaming into the digital void for free until now.
We are thrilled to announce, in a move of breathtaking transparency (our first lesson: hide in plain sight), The Cabal Academy—the premier, fully accredited (by the Sovereign Council of Online Pedagogical Excellence, SCORE) institution dedicated to professionalizing your paranoia.
Forget damp basements and confused AM radio rants. The modern conspiracy theorist is a content creator, a brand, a lifestyle influencer. The deep state has watched for decades as you’ve done the hard work of grassroots suspicion, completely pro bono. We’ve decided it’s time to give back. To mentor. To monetize.
“But wait,” you might gasp, adjusting your hastily fashioned tinfoil beret. “Isn’t the deep state supposed to be… evil?”
How charmingly passé! Evil is a niche market. Omni-present, passive-aggressive, and subscription-based is where the real power lies. We’re not here to crush your spirit; we’re here to streamline it, provide a user-friendly interface, and charge a modest 30% platform fee.
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Curriculum Highlights: Turn Your Delusion into a Dividend
Our courses, designed by tenured professionals from the CIA’s “Creative Writing,” the FBI’s “Artisanal Provocation” division, and several very bored former Mossad agents, include:
Lizard-Person Etiquette 101: Stop with the crude “scale-shaming.” Learn the subtle art of befriending our reptilian overlords! Module topics include: “Complimenting a Molt,” “Appropriate Thermostat Settings for Mixed-Species Dinner Parties,” and “Is It Rude to Ask About Their Home Planet’s COVID Policy?” Graduates are perfectly positioned for careers in interspecies diplomacy or high-end reptile petting zoos.
Foundations of False-Flag Event Planning: Why let the professionals have all the fun? This comprehensive course breaks down the logistics of staging spectacularly absurd events. From budgeting for crisis actors (SAG-AFTRA or non-union?) to selecting the perfect symbolic date and coordinating social media rollouts, you’ll learn to craft events so perfectly puzzling, they’ll have even you questioning reality. Group discounts available for militias.
Sovereign Citizen Grammar: How to Correctly Use ‘Flesh and Blood’ in Legal Documents: Tired of having your magnificently researched, gold-fringed-flag-adorned legal filings laughed out of traffic court? Our specialist grammarian, a sentient bowl of punctuation soup, will teach you the definitive rules of pseudo-legal gibberish. Master the semicolon splice of sovereignty! Use the “UCC citation” as a verb! Finally, confuse a public defender with the confidence of a true legal scholar (who recognizes no law).
Electives: “Adobe Photoshop for Authentic-Looking UFOs,” “Podcasting: Finding Your ‘Truthy’ Voice,” “Monetizing Grievance: From Patreon to Paid Protests,” and our popular capstone, “The Brand Is You: Cultivating a Martyred Yet Marketable Persona.”
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Success Stories: From Rabbit Hole to Revenue Stream
Don’t just take our word for it. Meet our alumni, thriving entrepreneurs who’ve traded angst for assets!
Brock “Chemtrail” Calloway, Graduate, Class of ‘23:
“Before the Academy, I was just a guy with a sky-watching YouTube channel and 17 subscribers, including my mom. Now? I run ‘Aerosol Aesthetics,’ the Etsy’s top-rated shop for artisanal, geoengineered-cumulus-cloud wall decals and ‘Taste the Rainbow (Schedule)’ gourmet rainwater syrups. The Cabal Academy’s ‘Advanced Atmospheric Scaremongering’ course taught me about spectral analysis, which I use for absolutely nothing, but it sounds great in my product descriptions. My revenue last quarter? Let’s just say I bought a new truck. A very, very large truck. For… preparedness.”
Karen X (formerly Susan), Valedictorian, ‘22:
“The ‘Sovereign Citizen Grammar’ course changed my life. I went from getting trespassing tickets at my local school board meetings to launching ‘Flesh & Blood Legal Templates.’ For a small fee, I provide beautifully calligraphed, utterly meaningless documents that assert your divine right to… well, whatever you want! My ‘Motorist Sovereignty Package’ is a bestseller. Has it ever worked in court? That’s not the point. The point is the feeling of empowerment—and the $49.99 recurring monthly fee for template updates. The deep state? Honey, I’m a shareholder now.”
Mikkel “The Truther” Svendsen, Graduate, ‘23:
“I was drowning in evidence binders, going broke printing PDFs. The Academy’s ‘Conspiracy-to-Commerce Pipeline’ workshop was a revelation. I parlayed my life’s work on the hollow earth theory into a thriving side-hustle: ‘Agartha Home Goods.’ We sell tasteful, minimalist furniture with subtly carved serpent people motifs, ‘Molten Core’ scented candles, and tasteful throw pillows that ask, ‘What’s on the Other Side?’ It’s paranoia as interior design. My theories didn’t change; they just got an Instagram filter and a Shopify store. Now, instead of yelling, I’m engaging in targeted Facebook ads. The reach is incredible.”
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The Cabal Academy Difference: Mainstreaming the Madness
Why does our program work where others have failed? We understand the crucial, modern axiom: A diluted conspiracy is a sustainable one.
Raw, undiluted paranoia is volatile, bad for business, and tends to attract subpoenas. But a gentle, aestheticized, and productized sense of existential dread? That’s the foundation of a thousand lifestyle brands. We teach you to sand off the dangerous, jagged edges of your rhetoric until it’s a smooth, palatable pebble of content, perfect for the soothing river of the algorithmic feed.
We’re not creating revolutionaries; we’re creating niche influencers. The goal isn’t to topple governments (messy, unpredictable), but to build a personal brand so compelling that your followers buy your overpriced merch, questioning whether those governments even exist.
Enrollment is now open. For just $299.99 a month (plus a one-time “Non-Disclosure/Disclosure Paradox” fee), you’ll receive:
Unlimited access to our course library.
A weekly mentorship call with a “mystery expert” (voice modulated).
A professional logo for your new conspiracy venture.
A complimentary, Academy-branded tinfoil laptop sleeve (blocks 5G and stimulates critical thinking).
The peace of mind that comes from knowing your existential fears are being managed by a Fortune 500 subsidiary.
The old guard wanted to control you. We want to empower you—to build, to sell, to channel that magnificent, untapped energy of suspicion into something the deep state truly understands: a reliable quarterly return.
Apply today at www.TheCabalAcademy.org (VPN not required, but strongly encouraged for aesthetic purposes). Remember, if you can’t beat the deep state… You might as well get a slick, marketable internship with it.
The Cabal Academy: Your Truth, Our Brand.™