The Daily Bluster
“Because Tomorrow’s News is Yesterday’s Outrage”
WE WILL RUN VENEZUELA
“And Other Modest Proposals for a Post-Polite Planet”
By Cynic Yang
In a world drowning in the tepid tea of diplomacy, where global leaders hem and haw over “rules” and “norms” as if they were debating the placement of a garden gnome, a clarion call of refreshing, brutish clarity has finally sounded. Inspired by a recent, earth-shattering pronouncement from the patron saint of unfiltered id, President Donald Trump, we at “The Daily Bluster” are thrilled to unveil a new foreign policy doctrine: “We Will Run Venezuela.”
Why Venezuela, you ask? Why not? It has oil, a perfectly good crisis, and—most importantly—it wasn’t expecting us. The old rulebook, that dusty relic penned by pointy-heads who thought the UN Charter was a sacred text, insisted on such tedious concepts as “sovereignty” and “not just taking other people’s countries because you feel like it.” How passé. The American Constitution, that beautiful, archaic scroll, is now chiefly admired as a decorative backdrop for signing Executive Orders entitled “How to Deal With That Annoying Thing.” The neoconservatives, having wept tears of joy into their dusty copies of “The Weekly Standard”, have finally won. Their dream of benevolent hegemony was simply too genteel. We’ve upgraded to “spectacularly malevolent whimsy.”
The collapse of the rules-based order is the best thing to happen to international relations since the invention of the threatening tweet. Remember when thuggery was done in shadows, with deniable assets and boring spycraft? So inefficient. Modern imperial ambition is brash, televised, and monetizable. Why bother with the CIA when you can just announce on social media that you’re considering a country “part of my new real estate portfolio”? The United Nations, that towering monument to legalistic bankruptcy, has been reduced to a global focus group where diplomats draft strongly worded memos about our “regrettable, yet fantastically high-rated, geopolitical showmanship.”
““Exhibit A: The Art of the Deal, Geopolitical Edition.”“
The old way: sanctions, negotiations, maybe a diplomatic envoy wearing a sensible tie. The new way: A 2 a.m. post: “Venezuela’s GDP is a disaster. Sad! I know GDP. I have the best GDP. We’re going in Tuesday to fix it. Maybe a Starbucks in Caracas. Great spot!” The beauty is in the simplicity. The International Court of Justice can’t indict a mood.
““Exhibit B: The Alliance Rebrand.”“
NATO? Obsolete. We’re forming new, more flexible partnerships. The “Coalition of the Willing to Avoid Tariffs” is already a roaring success. Britain has volunteered to run the gift shop of our new Venezuelan venture. France is drafting a scolding white paper, which we will use as confetti for the inauguration of “Trump Vista Maracaibo,” a luxury resort and provisional governing center.
““Exhibit C: Domestic Seamlessness.”“
Critics whine about “checks and balances.” How delightfully 18th-century. The genius of our new model is the merger of domestic and foreign strongman aesthetics. Why have a contentious election at home when you can just “acquire” a new country and hold a victory rally there? The press can be too busy figuring out if “Venezuela” is now a state or a branded subsidiary to cover pesky domestic scandals. It’s the ultimate distraction, with sun and exploitable mineral wealth.
The path forward is gloriously clear. The UN building in New York should be converted into a Trump Hotel & Crisis Simulation Center. The Security Council veto power will be replaced by a livestreamed “Apprentice”-style boardroom, where permanent members can fire smaller nations from the room. “Suriname, you’re weak on lithium. You’re fired.”
In conclusion, “We Will Run Venezuela” transcends mere policy; it embodies a steadfast promise. A promise that marks the definitive end of apologetic imperialism. The horizon ahead is for the audacious, the unapologetically bold, and those blissfully unencumbered by historical constraints. Let the world shudder, or at the very least, wear a perplexed expression. A new sheriff has arrived, and his watchful eye roams far beyond a single town—he surveys the entire landscape with the discerning insight of someone who recognizes a worthy fixer-upper when it crosses his path.
Next week’s editorial: “So We Accidentally Took Belgium: A Masterclass in Waffle-Based Governance.”
“Cynic Yang is our Satire-in-Residence. His previous piece, “Let’s Buy Greenland: The Ultimate timeshare,” is currently being used as a placeholder State Department white paper.”